- Monkey Monday
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- Monkey Monday #7
“One thing you must realize is that: you either kill your addiction, or your addiction will eventually kill you”
Hey y’all, Nate here! I’ve come to the realization that I am severely addicted to playing Madden 21 on my roommates Playstation. It started innocent, as things often do, playing with some friends, but once I created a franchise with my 5’11 slot wide receiver named Deplovis Crowchowder, and proceeded to run through a whole season, winning the Super Bowl, as well as Rookie of the Year, in like 3 days, I realized I need help. I’m currently building support and accountability around me, and hopefully by the time Monkey Monday 8 comes out, I’ll be clean! I’m currently stimulated and experiencing withdrawals (I’m at work and haven’t played in 45 minutes).
Hey this is Nate from the future. The day after I wrote about my Madden addiction I ended up suffering a worse, even more crippling addiction to Retro Bowl, a cute little arcade football game on my phone, which absolutely ruined my life the day I downloaded it. After I found myself up at 1 am playing this stupidly addicting game (I needed to wake up at 6 the next morning) I deleted it. I’m currently going strong with no retro bowl or madden, but yeah, scary stuff. Stay away from retro bowl.
Anyways we got a new issue today! Interviews make their return after taking a week off, surprise surprise I got an album recommendation, followed by an album review, Parin ate food, Ashley shares her wisdom, and more! Lock in folks.
Monkey Monday #7, scrambling in….
Pop Tart Tier List
I had a lot of fun last week with the cereal tier list, and it sparked some fruitful controversy! So I’m back with another tier list, this time with Pop Tarts!
As you can see, this time we only have 4 tiers: The Best, mmmm, solid, and strawberry milkshake tier. There isn’t really a bad tier, I like just about everything on this list, so just because it’s in the “solid” tier, doesn’t mean I dislike it, it just means I like other flavors more. So let’s dive in!
Shoutouts:
Before we get into the actual tiers, I want to give some shoutouts to some flavors I don’t believe I’ve had before, but I want to give my respects to.
Raspberry - As I’ve gotten older, I’ve grown to appreciate the fruiter flavors, as you will see in my list. I’ve never had raspberry pop tarts, but raspberries are my favorite fruit, and I’m sure I would like them alot!
Wild Berry - I’ve heard this is the best pop tart, but I’ve never had them, so I cannot give my input. But it would be wrong to not at least acknowledge them.
Unfrosted Flavors - These are an abomination to the pop tart community and don’t deserve to even be on the tier list. Dishonorable mention. Next.
strawberry milkshake tier tier:
Strawberry Milkshake - Okay this is the one flavor that just sucks. The unfrosted flavors aren’t even bad, they are just dumb and unnecessary. The box says “IT’S BACK!” and we all wish it wasn’t.
solid tier:
Pumpkin Pie - This one I’ve only bought one box of, and it was years ago, but I remember it being really good. Unfortunately I cannot in good conscious put it any higher, but yeah. Good
Cookies & Cream - I go back and forth on cookies and cream. It’s actually trash cold, but toasted it’s really good. Sadly, there are better versions of this flavor, so there’s no reason to ever get this one.
Chocolate Chip - The aura on this one is strange, because it has no real frosting, but it’s a pretty solid flavor. Nothing really to say for this one.
Red Velvet Cupcake - Okay this placement is the one I’m least confident in. Similar to pumpkin pie, this is one I haven’t had much of, and also similar to cookies and cream, there’s a better, chocolatey creamy flavor coming up later. I remember really really liking this flavor, but also getting sick of it quickly, so it’s a bit of a dark horse for me.
Brown Sugar Cinnamon - One of the original gangstas, the OG’s. Brown sugar cinnamon is the standard for what a great pop tart should be: You can have it warm, you can have it cold. The flavor isn’t overwhelming, but still very nummy. BSC is very consistent, never sucking, but also never being extraordinary(sorry les). Great pop tart.
mmmm tier:
Blueberry - Alright let’s get to the heavy hitters. Had you told me as a kid that there is a fruity flavor in my top 6, I would’ve time traveled to the future and smacked me in the face with a wet trout. But the truth is, fruity flavors have really grown on me. They’re just so good, without tasting too artificial like cookies and cream, or red velvet.
Cherry - Same thing with blueberry, just a great pop tart that has grown on me. I like cherry just a tad bit more than blueberry, but yeah they are both excellent.
S’mores - Another strange aura’d poptart, as there is no swirly frosting on it. But boy oh boy is S’mores good. You like most good poptarts, you can have it cold, you can toast it, and it’s fantastic. Really a pioneer of sorts, such a great pop tart, but barely misses the top three.
The Best tier:
Chocolate Fudge - Alright we’ve made it to the big three. starting us off we got chocolate fudge. Anyone who knows me knows that I am a sucker for chocolate, and oh boy is this one chocolatey. Get a glass of milk with a toasted chocolate fudge pop tart? That’s where it is AT!
Strawberry - The old guard. Captain America. The classic. If brown sugar cinnamon is robin, this is Batman. I used to really not care for strawberry, but as I’ve grown, as I’ve matured, I’ve come to realize the greatness of the strawberry pop tart. It doesn’t have the same highs as a s’mores pop tart, or a chocolate fudge pop tart, but this really is the king. There’s a reason classics stick around. There’s a reason I still have my 2005 Toyota. Strawberry is the king…. but unfortunately there’s something greater.
Hot Fudge Sundae - The force of nature, the higher power of the pop tart universe. If strawberry is Batman, HFS is a supreme galactic being, capable of bending reality and crushing universes with the flick of it’s wrist. HFS is simply the best. It’s the best cold, it’s the best toasted, it’s the best with a glass of milk. I love hot fudge sundae pop tart so much if I could I would marry it. The only reason I don’t have this for every meal of the day (and this goes for all pop tarts), is that it’s probably horrendous for the human body. Our bodies were not meant to contain the hot fudge sundae pop tart, nor is it meant to contain tide pods, but here we are.
-Nate
Final Tier List
Pick of the Week
DESIIIIIIIREEEEEEEEEEEE, I WANNNNA TURN INTO YYOUU OOOOOOOOOOO!!!!
Caroline Polachek, O where do I even begin? Caroline Polachek is a name I had been vaguely familiar with for some time, hearing about her and her music from internet people like Hivemind and theneedledrop, especially praising her newly released album in 2023 titled Desire, I want To Turn Into You. Despite constantly hearing how incredible this album is, I kept putting this album on the back burner.
That was until my Thanksgiving break later that year.
For some context, I’m a big record collector. I love owning my favorite works of music in physical form, and playing them in my bedroom. Over Thanksgiving break, I had the idea to go buy a record I had never listened to, and listen to it for the first time in my bedroom, with a good friend of mine. So I took a 5 minute journey to my local record store (shoutout Indie Earth) and browsed through the stock. I stumbled across Miss Polachek, and decided it was finally time.
Took it home, waited until that evening for my friend Jon to come over, then we grabbed a board game and put the record on. And it blew my mind!
This album is so creative, so experimental, while still being digestible to a wider audience. The first track Welcome To My Island really feels like you’re being transported into a new world, full of Caroline’s dreams and desires. This song gives us the first taste of Caroline’s incredible vocals, which we will see lots of in the time to come.
The next couple tracks keep the momentum going, with the beautiful Pretty In Possible, followed by the super fun Bunny Is A Rider. Then we get my favorite song on the album, Sunset, which is genuinely one of the most fun songs I’ve ever heard. It’s this super beautiful, upbeat, flamenco sounding song, backed with great production and an incredible vocal performance by Caroline (shoutout Hailey, she loves this song).
We slow down a bit with Crude Drawing Of An Angel, and then get into another banger in I Believe. The next track, Fly To You, features Grimes and Dido, and is one of the weaker tracks on the album. Fun fact: This was the first Caroline Polachek song I ever heard, because my vinyl was printed upside down, so side A was displayed as side B and vice versa, and this is the first song on side B.
Blood And Butter is also fantastic, and uses BAGPIPES in such a gorgeous, and fitting way. Hopedrunk Everasking is another slow, beautiful ballad, which sets up perfectly for the overwhelmingly beautiful track, Butterfly Net. We close out with Smoke, and Billions, two solid tracks, and then we are done!
Caroline Polachek is truly fantastic, with an amazingly beautiful and technical voice. I highly recommend checking this album out, even if you don’t normally listen to pop.
-Nate
Is it Ripe?
“I AINT EVA LISTEN TO NO TWENTY ONE PILOTS!!!” Is what I would’ve said a month ago! Ever sense the rise of “Blurryface” and “Heathens” by Twenty One Pilots a decade ago, I have avoided these guys like the plague. Despite recommendations from my good friend who knows my music taste better than anyone else (shoutout Les, love you man), I profusely refused to take flight with the pilots.
That was until another friend of mine and I were discussing our favorite music (shoutout Jo), and after he geeked out over some of his favorite tunes, I made a promise that I would listen to Trench. So here we are.
The album starts pretty awesome with Jumpsuit and Levitate. I was surprised by the amazing production, despite my prior bias against the guys. Morph, My Blood, Chlorine, and Smithereens are all really good too. The album starts to dip a little bit with The Hype, which I didn’t particularly enjoy, same with Nico and the Niners, but then it picks back up with the next three tracks. The last 2 tracks also weren’t particularly my favorite, but yeah!
Overall I was pleasantly surprised by how good most of this album was. I’m glad I finally gave in and listened!
Favorite Songs: Jumpsuit, Levitate, Bandito, Pet Cheetah
-Nate
Ripeness: 7
Interview Time!
Interviews return this week with a chat with the friendliest professor in the universe, Lea Blackney!
Parin’s Palette
Scrub
In the ancient times of the world, warriors would fight with their bare hands and primitive weapons, yet tiny little organisms called viruses and bacteria were enough to destroy these beastly men. Today I, a fearsome warrior, lost a battle against my new arch-nemesis: the avocado.
Battle Scars
In this column of Parin’s Pallete, I decided to cook my own food and review it. What I had intended to make was whole wheat toast with cream cheese, salmon, and avocados. This not only seemed to be a very delicious recipe but extremely nutritious. Whole wheat bread contains complex carbohydrates alongside the fats from the cream cheese, protein and omega-3 from the salmon, and the antioxidants, fats, and micronutrients from the avocado. I managed to make this, without the avocado, for the ancient ones (my mother) forgot to pass on such wisdom for cutting up avocados.
Whole wheat salmon cream cheese avocado sans the avocado
How was it? Absolutely delicious, the toast was great, and the salmon with cream cheese was a great combo (think of a Philidelphia sushi roll). How do I rate it?
10/10
Good food is good. Good food made by yourself is great. Good food made by me is simply better (in my humble opinion)
Ballboy Ben’s Ball Update
DA NUH NUH! DA NUH NUH! That is the ESPN top-10-play theme music! And that is similar to what we will be looking at in this week’s Ballboy Update! There have been some crazy NFL plays recently, and I think they are worth showcasing here!
GARRET WILSON DOES THE MJ THING
Despite the New York Jets being horrible and embarrassing this year, Garrett Wilson is making some really cool catches, including this one in a win against the Houston Texans! He managed to stay in bounds on this catch, score the touchdown, and make Aaron Rodger’s poo poo throw look amazing!
DEVONTA SMITH DOESN’T NEED TWO HANDS
Why use two hand when one hand do trick? This play was on a pivotal 3rd and 22 in the 4th quarter and Devonta Smith absolutely DELIVERED!
SAQUON BARKLEY DOES A BACKWARDS HURDLE?!?
Hurdling someone is difficult to do in football… very few players even attempt to do it. But Saquon Barkley decided to do it BACKWARDS??? This is one of the most insane plays ever that no normal player would ever think of doing!
NOAH BROWN GAME-WINNING HAIL MARY WOMP WOMP BEARS LOL
I mentioned this briefly while making fun of the Chicago Bears last week, but it was too awesome of a play not to include here as well! With time expiring, Jayden Daniels threw a bomb to the front of the endzone…where it was tupped up…and CAUGHT by Noah Brown for the touchdown to seal the game!!! You can’t make this stuff up! It was an amazing play and one that I will come back to often whenever I am feeling sad.
Hey y’all, another interruption, but as I, the editor in chief, am editing this issue Sunday night, the Chiefs finally lost their first game of the season! I’m a big chiefs hater and am super happy they finally lost a game. Hopefully they lose the rest!
That’s all I’ve got for you today. Go Pack Go!
Ashley’s Animals
Red Ruffed Lemur!
Red ruffed lemurs are one of the larger lemur species with a body length 47.5 to 50 cm (19 to 20 in.) and Tail length of 59 cm (23.6 in.) and weighing 3.6 to 4.5 kg (8 to 10 lbs). The females are often larger and heavier than the males. |  |
Red ruffed lemurs live only in the rainforests of the Masoala peninsula in the northeast of Madagascar. They mostly stay in the tree tops and rarely venture to the ground. |  |
All male red ruffed lemurs are red-green color blind, but most females are not colorblind at all. |  |
Red ruffed lemurs have 12 different calls which can be heard for miles around. These calls can be understood by black-and-white ruffed lemurs even though they do not live in this same area and are not the same species. |  |
Red ruffed lemurs live in matriarchal family groups of up to 16 individuals and are critically endangered with less than 10,000 individuals left in the wild. -Ashley |  |
Quan Quotes
Wish I got hit so I can skip classes tomorrow, y’know?
Verse Of The Week
I have been crucified with Christ. It is no longer I who live, but Christ who lives in me. And the life I now live in the flesh, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me.