Hello y’all. Another Monday has fallen upon us. I just heard that Chuck Norris died. At first I thought it was a joke, but nope, he’s gonzo. Truly a sad moment for our us as a culture, a nation, for the human race. Anyways, wipe your tears, it’s Monkey Monday time. The weather this weekend has been amazing, I hope you were able to get some sun on your skin, some vitamin D. Hope y’all have a good week.
Monkey Monday 3 #10, beaming in…
Assorted Food Mascots I could submit with a rear naked choke TIER LIST
Alright, I got another tier list in the works for y’all. You can read the title, it’s time to check in on my jiujitsu skills. In case you missed the previous RNC tier list and have no idea what I’m talking about, refer to the image below from Monkey Monday 2 #13:
This time I’ve got more attacks in my arsenal than just rear-naked chokes. How will my jiujitsu fend against food mascots? HERE WE GO.
Behold our tiers:
Tier 5: I would take their back and submit them in under a minute
Gerber Life Baby - Lets be serious. Smoked.
Honey Smacks Frog - This little punk would get smoked like a pack of Marlboro black 100’s.
Keebler Elf - The Keebler elves have magical powers…… revolved around baking good cookies. No yummy cookie will stop me from taking his back and cutting off his carotid arteries.
Tier 4: Mild Difficulty; slight nuisance until I get to their back and RNC
Tootsie Pop Owl - I’m pretty confident in this matchup, the only hiccup being that he doesn’t have a humanoid shape, thus making armbars and chokes a little different. I’ll easily dominate him physically, the difficulty will be in finding a submission that works on him. But I don’t think it will be too much trouble; I’ll find some sort modification of an arm bar for his wings.
Mr. Peanut - The first mascot on this list that doesn’t appear to have a neck, Mr. Peanut is often depicted as relative to the size of a human. However, he has twig arms that I would easily be able to take advantage of for any kind of arm attacks. Should be a pretty straightforward submission.
Toucan Sam - He may be able to fly fast, and he may be bigger than the tootsie pop owl, but the same thing applies. Plus, he has humanoid arms, so I can hit standard arm attacks no problem.
Danimals Horror - This guy is horrifying, no getting around it. But at the end of the day, he’s basically a teenage boy with the face of a monkey. Once I get around the mental torture of looking at this hideous thing, I should be able to make light work of him.
Land O’Lakes Butter Woman - The first grown human adult on this list. She looks pretty fearless and noble, but I can’t imagine that she has much of a defense against my jiujitsu.
Tier 3: High Difficulty; after a long fight I should be able to get to their back and RNC (or another finish)
Chef Boyardee - A chunky Italian man, he has quite a bit of size on me. But he has no feats, and I assume he has spent all of his life cooking, not training, so I believe I could get to his back and get my arms around that thick neck.
Burger King - Some sources list his attack potency as building level, but I’m not buying it. This freak of a king will get the work. He may have some size on me, but since he has no skill, I should be able to make my way to his back and get my RNC.
Chester Cheetah - He boasts some pretty ridiculous speed and agility feats, however once he gets cocky and lets me get a grip on him, this little twigs got nuthin.
Tier 2: Extreme Difficulty; if I’m lucky, might get to their back and finish, or hit a sneaky triangle
Colonel Sanders - A military man, the Colonel is jacked and has lots of combat experience. I do not feel confident at all against this guy.
Little Caesar - Another military mind, this time ARMED AND DANGEROUS. If I can get past his spear, maybe I’d stand a chance? Even then, I’m not confident. I’ll likely end up a shish kebab.
Tony the Tiger - A rediculously strong and athletic humanoid tiger. He’s far stronger and far more athletic than I will ever be; however, maybe he would get careless and let me get to his back and hit an RNC. Not likely though.
Hamburger Helper Glove - I’m going to be honest, I have NO IDEA what I’m dealing with here. My research tells me that this guy is hand sized, NOT gigantic. Even then, What am I supposed to do??? Can I armbar those fingers? Is he too small to even do anything? I’m clueless.
Sour Patch Kid - These guys are even tinier than the Hamburger Helper guy!!! Sure, I could eat them, but what could I accomplish with my jiujitsu? Do they have necks? Do they even feel pain? Who knows!
Buzz the Bee - Buzz is interesting. He’s 14 times larger than a normal bee, which would make submitting him much easier, however if his stinger is 14 time more powerful, I would die. Plus, he can use his wand for magical purposes. Not likely I could win.
Tier 1: There is no hope
Lucky the Leprechaun - At first glance, Lucky seems like a free win. He’s a scrawny little ginger with tiny arms and a tiny neck. Unfortunately, he has demonstrated absurd magic abilites. He can transmutate objects, fly, control time, create clones, turn invisible, and much, much more. Sure, if he doesn’t use his powers, I could probably take him down, but otherwise, this guy is ridiculous.
Ronald McDonald - I originally had this clown much lower on this list, since I thought he was just a normal dude. Sadly for me, he’s far from it. Some of his feats include: picking up stars with his bare hands, surviving a rocket exploding in his face, teleport a McDonalds restaurant to the moon, shoot lasers, stop time, pull kids into his own pocket dimension, yada yada yada I would die.
Kool-Aid Man - An Eldrich horror, the Kool-Aid man is a relentless, unstoppable force of both magic and brute strength. He has demonstrated feats of reality-warping, indestructibility, time warping, blowing up a star, growing to the size of a skyscraper, and much more. I’ll pass.
The Literal Sun - Guys I do not think I can get to the back of the sun, sorry to disappoint.
-Nate
Pick of the Week
So in my search of music similar to the masterpiece that is Murmuüre, I came across a genre that crosses atmospheric black metal with shoegaze, fittingly titled: Blackgaze. Don’t laugh, I’m serious. Blackgaze.
Anyways, I stumbled upon this band called “Sadness.” Turns out, it’s not a band. It’s one dude, and his name is Damián Antón Ojeda. And this Damian guy doesn’t just release music under the Sadness moniker. No no no, he has other names he releases music under. Many other names. In fact, since 2013, he has dropped over ONE HUNDRED AND FIFTY PROJECTS under THIRTY SEVEN (known) aliases. That’s an INSANE body of work, and from what I can tell, it’s all pretty quality music.
The album I have picked out is likely his highest rated album according to a few different sources I check. 2019’s I Want to Be There is a beautiful, emotional, atmospheric project that boasts intense, yet hopeful, anthemic sounds. I don’t really know the words to describe this accurately, you’ll just have to give it a listen, it’s really good.
-Nate
Is It Ripe?
This past week while doing some studying, I listened to Daryl Johns by Daryl Johns all the way through for the first time. What a strange, strange vibe this guy brings. The album cover tells you a lot about what to expect: weird, chill, Nintendo Wii, 80’s TV commercial vibes; sprinkled all over with jazz and pop elements. Somehow super laid back, and unnerving at the same time. I don’t really know how else to explain it.
A lot of the album is instrumental, and though really cool and full of neat ideas, it does take away some of the engagement from me. Maybe it’s best to go into this album expecting some jazzy, charismatic instrumental atmosphere, rather than a singer-songwriter. Very reminiscent of Suntub ML Buch for me.
Daryl shows he’s got some creativity in the TANK. Give him some time to hone his craft, and I bet he will have a super solid record in the next few years.
Favorite Songs: Corner Store, I’m So Serious, Palermo, Friends Forever
-Nate
Ripeness: 6.5/10
Verse of the Week
For the love of Christ controls us, because we have concluded this: that one has died for all, therefore all have died; and he died for all, that those who live might no longer live for themselves but for their sake died and was raised.
